I remember the lights that night, a myriad of colours continually flashing to the beat of the fast-paced music. I can still see the horde of people, moving and gyrating to the music. The heat, immense, over-powering, suffocating heat of so many bodies on one place, it almost makes it hard to breath, just thinking about it. The lights, the music, the sounds, the smells, an overload of the senses, it all creates a sense of loss and confusion.

Now I sit in this dark room. It is quiet; no sounds but the hum of the refrigerator disturb the oppressive silence that pervades the room. It is a loss so profound as to mess with the mind. It is like I will never feel alive again. My own music doesn’t satisfy, the company of my friends is found wanting, and movement feels completely overrated. I begin to feel a need to be in that place again, to be a part of a writhing mass of bodies, without a care in the world. Nothing exists outside of the moment, when I am there. I am free, like I can never be in the real world.

The day winds down, and the anxiety builds. It becomes oppressive and I suffocate in its grip. The need to leave my apartment grows and grows, becoming unbearable. I need to go, I need to be in that place, I need to feel those feelings again. It’s like a drug.

I am brought to my breaking point, and I snap. In a flurry of motion I get dressed and grab my keys. Rushing out the door, I begin to feel a sense of relief, like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. The anxiety returns as I drive, but it is a good anxiety, anticipating something amazing.

Then I am there, and the world has faded into the background. It takes me but an instant to become part of the throng, moving to the music. Senses are stimulated; the flashing lights and pulsating music move my body in a crazy dance that seems to never end. I am where I need to be, finally.